Wednesday, November 5, 2008

What I want to be when I grow up.

I promise I will get pictures up as soon as I get my camera back...I left it at a friend's house. But tonight, I am sorry to say there are no pictures with this post. No videos. This post is just for me. It was just something I realized and had to capture in writing before fatigue overcomes me and I crash for the day.

Tonight as I walked around our beautiful home turning out lights and locking doors, I looked around at dishes in the sink, laundry on the couch, and stuff piled up on counters, and was going through the motions until I noticed at a little pair of shoes sitting on the bar. Those tiny shoes...well, I don't know how to explain it other than in an instant I felt a wave of joy. I looked back around the room with different eyes...stuff on the counters was there because sippy cups and bottles had filled up the cabinets. Dishes were in the sink because I made baby food from scratch, the laundry on the couch was made up of little socks and pants and bibs...and with this perspective I felt myself smiling with my whole heart and soul.

When I was a little girl my mom and dad both worked so hard to make ends meet. I know it killed them to put me in daycare, but financially they couldn't afford any other alternative. My aunt on the other hand was a stay at home mom. So when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, with the clarity of a child I replied, "I want to be a mom. One like my aunt that stays home."

Fast forward a quarter of a century, and that innocent aspiration got lost. My goals changed, and I became swept up in wanting to be something more special. Someone the public would want to know, someone they would remember. I took an acting class in college, but was so bad I ended up with a C. I went off to London after graduation only to find I missed home so badly I could burst. I killed myself at every dumb job I had trying to find my stride and work my way up in the business world. Yet, my resume isn't that wonderful, and I doubt by the time I re-enter the workplace it will be worth anything more than the paper it's printed on.

And as much as I might try to spoof it up with fun blog entries, being a mom and staying at home is not all that interesting. If someone stopped by unexpectedly on most days they would find me in my pajamas eating cereal for lunch and playing on the floor with my son. I'm not even one of these stay at home moms that has a hobby or passion or crafty side that could earn me a little extra spending money. I'm even bad at staying on top of the chores. But it's what I'm meant to be, and tonight I found out there is a hum you feel in your very core when you finally hit the perfect note God has been pointing out to you.

I haven't completely come to grips with the fact that I will never in a million years see my name in lights, that I will never be that person everyone wants to know about, and I will most likely live out my days in suburbia being special only to a handful of friends and family. But even though I'll never achieve fame, I did achieve fortune. By an unbelievable series of events, God has richly blessed me to be exactly what I had wanted to be. A mom. One like my aunt that stays at home.


ANiesner said...

This post most definitely left me with chills...very touching :) Glad to hear you and the little man are doing so well!

Allison said...

Nicely said :)

Reags said...

I am crying right now. And jealous of your staying home. And feeling completely at ease with my dishes, laundry and kid-mess that I love to call home. Miss you.

Kristen said...

Whew - I'm in tears now! I'm so happy for you that you've found that perspective 5 months into being a mom (it took me years!). To know that kind of peace is priceless. Carter and Stephen are a blessed bunch of guys to have you!

Erin said...

Hi! I am a friend of Kristen's and found your blog through her's... This is a beautiful post that brought tears to my eyes... I wish I could express myself as well, about something I love just as much!

OH! And Carter is adorable!

Andrea said...

Hi! Just visiting.
That was really good! You are doing exactly what you are meant to be doing. There will be time later to have an exciting career.

Okay-reality check. Must get to my little one eating Cheerios from the pantry, reheat his oatmeal, get out of our pajamas, fold laundry......

BPOTW said...

This is such encouragement at just the right time. I'm trying to rearrange my priorities and sometimes it's hard to make being a mom one of the highest. You really should be read by everyone. Plain and simple declaration about what really brings joy: doing what God wants.

Thanks for sharing your post with Best Posts of the Year!